Ann Coulter knows less about football than I do

In Politics

And that’s saying something.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have no interest in football. Believe me, I’ve tried. Over the years, I’ve watched at least five matches – I’ve even suffered first-hand disappointment at a Leeds United defeat – but it’s never caught on.

That said, I know a fuckload more about it than Ann Coulter, and that’s just from reading the news. In a column published on 25th June, the notorious right-wing nutball unleashed a tirade of untruths about the so-called beautiful game, point by point, each more ridiculous and insane than the last. It says a lot that someone with as little concern for the sport as myself is able to systematically disprove each one of her theories. Allow me to demonstrate:

Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer.

Yes it is. Suarez was just awarded ‘most bitey player of the year’. Others get ‘Man of the Match’.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.

No. Goals are scored in almost every match.  Also, you should try looking at Twitter after someone like Man United loses a match. It’s like everyone took their mobile phones to a funeral.

No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

Football may not be co-ed amongst professionals. But in the US, it is the most popular sport amongst youngsters, who often play together. Outside of the US, I think it’s taken pretty seriously worldwide. Like, the most popular sport in the world kind of seriously. It’s the second most popular televised sport in the US.

The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

There was a guy who was knocked unconscious by a knee to the head in a World Cup match last week. He wanted to keep playing. Meanwhile, footballers are humiliated all the time in the press. Read the fucking news.

You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs.

There’s a seriously funny irony in casting aspersions on a sport that at least lives up to its name, while advocating a sport that shares that name, but mainly makes use of the hands rather than feet. At least rugby is called rugby.

I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s Girls light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.

Sounds like one of those illuminati things. Either that or the strangest venn diagram no-one’s ever drawn before. I do love Girls, though. Again, football is the second most popular televised sport in the US.

It’s foreign.

So is pizza. Stop eating pizza.

Soccer is like the metric system.

No it’s not. “How long is the pitch?” “Oh, about 20 soccers, give or take.”

Soccer is not ‘catching on’.

Now that the US actually has a real stake in the World Cup, it most definitely is. Of course, it will mostly likely never see the viewership heights that the Super Bowl gets, but ratings are increasingly rapidly. Coulter even continues by quoting one of these figures herself:

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women’s World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC.

No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.

Leaning on immigration as the foundation of an argument like this reeks of cowardice and stupidity – but I suppose that’s something we should expect by now. If she doesn’t want the US to be a part of an event that is open to the entire world, perhaps she should refocus her efforts on lobbying for the US to detach itself from the planet and be rocketed off into space.

But then Coulter has been reeling off maxims of this level of ignorance for years. At least she used to sound like she knew what she was talking about, even if it was utter bullshit.

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