Jesus would have voted for UKIP, says Nigel Farage

In Politics, Think

UKIP grandee Nigel Farage has caused a storm of biblical proportions by suggesting that Jesus Christ would have voted for the far-right party.

Ignoring the fact that Jesus was a raving socialist that supported redistribution of wealth (or, at least, bread and fish), Farage called for the re-establishment of ‘proper British Christian local pub values’.

“Like many great things – cricket, flat beer and fox hunting – Christianity is something that we created with our own grit and pluck and exported successfully around the world,” said Farage in a newspaper column. “Jesus may have died in Jerusalem, but we know he always held his home town in Hampshire close to his heart.”

David Cameron has, meanwhile, followed up his earlier remarks on Britain and Christianity by arguing that, “At the heart of it, England is a Christian nation. That is why we are driving the poor to food banks and reducing the top rate of tax. It’s about doing God’s work to ensure a level playing field for bankers and foreign investors.”

In light of Cameron coming out as a religious messenger, Michael Gove has announced plans to scrap all subjects apart from religious studies, whilst Jeremy Hunt has announced that all surgical work at hospitals will be discontinued, with all healing tasks to be taken on by prayer groups and saints.

Nick Clegg has refused to comment, calling the entire debate “nonsense chatter about voodoo witch nonsense”.

“At the end of the day, Jesus taught us to ‘love thy neighbour’,” concludes Farage. “This is why we need to put this petty political tribalism aside, and why everyone should vote UKIP. That way we can start focusing on who we really hate: The French, the Germans and all Eastern Europeans.”

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